When people have asked “How are you doing?” and I respond “Depressed,” the next question is always “Why?” And I haven’t had anything to respond with. Who knows why!? Depression is such a murky teacher. It can seem random, unfair, malicious.

Yet I’ve persisted in seeing it as a teacher. I’ve persisted in asking it, “What are you here to teach me?” And it’s been so damn silent. Over the last few weeks I’ve spent hours sitting with it. The exercise is painful and can seem so pointless. Nothing moves. At all. It seems. Nothing shifts. The stagnancy has forced me to question all my theories about depression, doubting it all.

Even just this morning, around 4:00 am, I was up with the depression and unable to sleep. I felt stuck and angry. And yet some pieces have begun to move in just the last few hours. Things are clicking. I took some action and the cosmic affirmation was immediate. “Yes,” it said, “this is what you were meant to do all along.” I can say now with full conviction that the depression desires I find my voice and realize my power.

This is a long process, of course, but I can see now that these twin elements already live inside me in some infant form. I’ve abandoned them for too long and they’ve been crying out. That’s the pain. That’s the depression! They wish to be seen by me, to have me respect them. They wish to grow properly in the light.

Now, if someone asks why I’ve been feeling depressed, I can say, “Because I’ve been believing the lie that I’m powerless and that hurts.”