For the last four days I felt nearly back to normal. I hadn’t taken any anxiety medication. The gym and walking definitely helped. Maybe my new supplements have been helping too. Two days ago when I visited my Quaker friend, who had been a social worker, she said to me after the visit, “You know, I was very worried about you before but now I’m not. You have got this. I can just tell.” Tho nice to hear, I wasn’t so sure. I explained that I was feeling fine in that moment and in fine moments I’m fine. And then in other moments my mind spins out of control.

Yesterday’s terrible Unemployment Insurance information sent me into a bad spiral. I canceled my weekly volunteer shift at Martin’s and laid in bed for hours. I eventually got up, went for a several mile walk, hit the gym, drank a chocolate shake, and then headed to my friends’ house so they could show me what to do when I watch their dog for a few days later this week.

When I arrived I told my friend that I was feeling anxious. It was 6pm, the usual nightly time for its arrival, and it was definitely feeling stronger than it had in days. He made dinner and I drank a can of sparkly water. The anxiety started growing and growing and eventually I had to take anti-anxiety medication, and then MORE medication, and it continued to grow even bigger. At this point I had never had that amount of medication not do the trick and I even had to take a third dose. I couldn’t focus on the TV show we were watching and asked if I could lay on their bed. My mind was spinning and my fear was completely overpowering and out of control. I asked my friend if he could hold me and he did. I texted my closest three friends who’ve experienced anxiety of this level and texted with them a bit and they were helpful also.

Eventually the third dose finally got me out of that mental hell and I began to feel normalish again, though quite shaky from the experience and my heart felt very sore. Back in the livingroom I looked at the can of sparkling water I drank and realized it was CAFFEINATED. Additionally the chocolate shake I had before I arrived would have also had some caffeine. I have no idea how much that death spiral was due to caffeine but it was certainly not a small amount.

Three weeks ago I drank a mason jar of coffee a day. Now I barely survive 35mg in a can of sparkling water and some chocolate. One of my friends told me that after his year of panic attacks he will never drink coffee to this day, limits his chocolate considerably, and drinks a little bit of kombucha here and there. He warned me that I may never be able to use caffeine again in the same way. I pooh-poohed that until yesterday.

I’m so incredibly thankful for all of my friends’ support. It’s everything.