I stopped taking the antidepressant I was prescribed after just two tries because the side effects were so horrendous. I joined the gym two days ago and worked out for 2 hours on each of the last two days. I’ve been feeling so much better. I haven’t needed any anti-anxiety medication since going to the gym. Today my body was too sore to go to the gym, so I went on a 6 mile walk instead but it didn’t do the trick. The anxiety returned tonight and was really strong. After struggling through it for an hour or so I decided to take some medication. I was feeling really down on myself for taking it.
I’ve had this fear that if the medications suppress the emotions and sensations then it’ll block me from being able to work out the trauma. And if the trauma’s simply suppressed, it’s just going to come back another time. For me it’s a reality that “the body doesn’t forgot” and “the only way out is through.” But damn if the “through” isn’t kicking my ass.
I started to feel much better about an hour after I took the medication. While waiting for it to kick in I started watching an episode of The Voice—one of my mom’s favorite shows—and that was also helping me feel more relaxed. And gosh, I’m very happy to report that I now have some hard data that the medication won’t stop me from processing trauma. Seemingly out of nowhere I began crying really deeply and recalling more about my childhood fear of the dark.
In the last two weeks I’ve cried twice already recalling my fear of the dark but tonight it was almost the flip of the story. Tonight I relived how safe I felt when I watched television with my family at night. I saw how much I loved them and loved sitting together and watching a show and laughing together. As the youngest I was sent to bed first. I’d lay alone in bed in the dark of my room, see the livingroom and television lights glow in the gap around my door, and I’d hear my family out there having fun together. Specifically, one night I remember listening as they watched the Cosby Show, and I loved that show so much. I felt so distant from them. In the previous cries I recalled how scary the dark was for me, and tonight I recalled how deeply I loved my family and how badly I wanted to be with them.
After crying my chest felt totally relieved of anxiety and just moments later a strong sense of anxiety returned to my chest. I know there’s still more in there to process. It’s never ending! Part of me is so over the healing process. It doesn’t seem like it gets any easier as time goes on. I wish I could just cry for days or months straight until the process concluded, but maybe it’s a fallacy I’m holding that there’s even a conclusion to the process.
Warm Summer Nights 
If it was only that easy to just let you watch the Cosby Show! With family you felt safe and secure! You live away from family now and during these uncertain times, the threat of this virus is weighing on you and no job! You are in a fragile place right now and exercise is great, but as you found out over doing it doesn’t pay off. Take care son and always remember we all love you and are here for you! ❤️
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Thank you for sharing! I love your posts and appreciate your vulnerability about dealing with feelings. After I went to the school for the work I delved into dealing with my trauma, which for me was a blank space in my memory of early childhood and a lot of fear about what I was forgetting. I thought of this blank space as “the pit”. I had a lot of possible stories to assign as to why I didn’t remember, and a lot of fear about diving in. I found, however, that I went blank a lot when trying to do the work, and knew that addressing this issue would help me. My friend saw a psychic ($10 for 10 min) ata psychic fair, and felt he was skilled. I called him and found he had written books on trauma in the womb, as well as taught at Georgetown University in the psychology dept where he was chief! He told me he did hypnotherapy and I scheduled to see him for a session. This turned into 3 sessions where I was led to enter my body and feel the feelings physically that I had been so afraid of, without attaching a story to them. What a relief! I accessed”the pit” without mental drama, and physically released a lot of anxious shakiness, pain, tingling, verbalizing, etc. He also led me to a reading while I was in my moms womb, and accessing what I felt while in utero. My mom was mentally ill, and my father is a sociopath. Living my childhood felt like nothing made sense, and although everything looked good on the outside the reality was I lived in a chaotic war zone that it seemed no one believed existed or understood when I tried to get help.
Reading your latest post I noticed that you had the thought that the anxiety might take a long time to process (not sure if this is what you said, just what I interpreted). I used to feel this way, but i discovered that although it took many years to find the right moment, person, and tools, the actual processing took only three sessions! I no longer have the pit, and although I still do the work often on stressful situations it is now about how to stay present in the moment rather than processing old fears and traumas. ❤️
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Thank you! That is very interesting. 🙏🏼
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