I really love this poem I came across; nearly every word speaks to me. I especially love: “Do you have the courage to sit in the present moment as terrifying as that might be?” The other night I was walking down 24th Street and I recalled my good friend, who ended his life a few years back, and I immediately felt a dark, dark bottomless pit in my chest; just such a monstrously nasty dark empty feeling. It reminded me of the depression from two winters ago, when I laid in bed early one morning feeling on the verge of hyperventilating, feeling I might die from the pain. It reminded me of the sadness I’ve felt on the meditation mat 6 or 7 or 8 days into a silent retreat. I have never felt that kind of sadness out in the world, on a normal day, just walking down the street.

It was so intense it caught me by surprise. I didn’t know it was possible to feel so intensely in the middle of the day. I walked more mindfully, and I breathed more mindfully, and I put my hand on my heart and kept walking. And I quieted my mind and reminded myself, “Just breathe.” That’s my one task in the world. To just breathe. Do I have the courage to walk down this street in the present moment, as terrifying as that might be?

I have never felt so blessed to feel the darkness so intensely. I wasn’t alone on a meditation mat with more days of silence to come. I wasn’t alone, in bed, in a cold lonely manor in the middle of a Vermont winter. I was walking along a beautiful busy street in such a rich, vibrant neighborhood. And the darkness came up. Good that it comes up. It comes up to pass away. Can I welcome it? Do I have the courage to sit in the present moment, as terrifying as that might be?

By Caitlin Johnstone:

Can you sink below the burbling headnoise

and feel your flesh singing the sacred syllable?

Can you look inward with your original mind

and coo to the nest of angel eggs in your chest?

Can you turn your back on the neck-craning gossipers,

on the eels your parents planted in your mind,

on the crayon paper plate masks people hold over their faces,

on the HYUCK-HYUCK-HYUCK of blaring glowscreens,

on the tortured flailings of millionaire comedians,

on the emaciated rape husks in Pornhub dot com,

on the begging chirpmouths in Twitter dot com,

on the misty mirror mind maze in Google dot com,

and remember why you came here in the first place?

Do you have the courage to sit in the present moment,

as terrifying as that might be?

Do you have the sincerity to bring every part of yourself into the light

that you have labored until now to keep hidden?

Do you have the vulnerability to let the mystic fire rip through you

and purge falsehood from every strand of DNA?

Do you have the faith to let go

and let the river of life carry you where it may?

Awaken, sleeping giant.

Awaken, indigenous terrestrial.

Awaken, holy hominid.

Awaken, savage saint.

Awaken, coiled energy serpent.

Awaken, incinerator of untruth.

Awaken, devourer of patterns.

Awaken, primordial heart.

Awaken,

and begin your beneficent destruction.

-Caitlin Johnstone