After 6 years of not drinking alcohol I began drinking again a year ago while traveling in Asia. Most people don’t know this and I haven’t written about it. I’ve monitored the situation carefully. I quit again very recently, at least for some time, because of my depression—and I don’t know how it will play out.

Today I accompanied a friend of mine to an AA meeting, my first time ever going to one, and it was at the Bill Wilson House! (Bill founded AA and was born and raised in this beautiful 19th century inn—it’s an AA pilgrimage site.) The energy in the space was incredible and cozy. The walls were covered with license plates reading IOUAA, 4TODAY, STEP3, HGRPOWRD, SERENITY, etc. I became very emotional immediately.

I found the meeting powerful, comforting, and soothing. I was on the verge of crying the entire time—I could barely keep it in. A big strong Boston man sat at the front and shared and I was mesmerized. He was gorgeous and vulnerable and had incredible presence. Sitting on the table in front of him was a sign that read “You are not alone” —and I’ve felt so darn alone this winter. I felt very at home. There was a sense of community and comfort in the room that I’ve been starved for since leaving San Francisco.

After we left, as my friend drove us back to her place, I shared with her how intensely moving the experience was for me. Once I began talking I began crying. And it all began bubbling up. So many memories and emotions. I realized that when I began drinking as a teen I was simply hoping my father would love me. I was more like him, after all. And I also realized that when I quit drinking 7 years ago I desired my father’s pride and approval; I was a strong man. I realized just how interconnected both my drinking and my not drinking are with seeking my father’s affection. And I realized how deeply shameful I felt when I started drinking and I kept it a secret.