Today’s long walk concluded at the beach, and in the dark a big owl swooped down in front of me and then flew in a tight circle around me rather close to the ground. It’s the 6th owl I’ve seen since starting the walking project two years ago.

The day’s walk was a bit of a pilgrimage. I knew I wanted to walk to the ocean from my house, and I wanted to stop in the Haight at a shop that I heard sells hapé, the South American snuff and plant medicine used and made by the Indigenous communities of the Amazon. I’ve only worked with it three times, most notably 3-4 years ago during the peak of my phase of panic attacks where a friend administered it to me and the fiery shock of the experience snapped me out of my blues for a week. The winter blues of the last month called me to finally take the step of acquiring my own medicine and administering it to myself.

At the shop they sold about 12 varieties. They all have native forms of tobacco in them and are mixed with other sacred plants. The experience of them ranges from mild to intense. The mild ones can bring about a light rush and nicotine buzz and some calm feelings whereas the intense ones are truly physically intense, with burning sensations and drooling snot, and some visionary elements in the mind, before finally settling into a deep calm after a few minutes. I selected a mild rose-tobacco blend and another “intense” one suggested for grounding strong emotions like anger.

I’ve had some strong feelings of anger lately, so I’ll keep that one in my back pocket.

I associate roses with my Grammy Velma and that one called to be used today. When I reached the beach I watched the sun set and then blew a little hapé up each nostril. The burning sensation was fairly light, and I saw in my mind my Gram hugging my young self, and then I settled into some light-headedness that encouraged me to sit on the sand and really enjoy the diminishing daylight. Moments later I began walking again and the owl swooped down for one last bit of magic.

Both today and yesterday I walked about 12 miles, probably walking 1% of the city’s streets in just two days. This diving temporarily back into the intensity of my early walking days leaves me feeling accomplished.