After leaving other retreats I generally feel light for weeks. On the contrary, our Vision Fast guides warned of the “inevitable depression” that can follow and mine’s rushed in.

I said to my boss today, “I don’t know what happened but I think out in the desert I dragged up something real dark from the depths.” I’ve been irritable at work. Everything’s annoying me. There’s a part of myself that knows “shadowy” aspects of my ego are at play. I warned my boss I might need a mental health day and he encouraged me to take tomorrow off. I look forward to a long walk and my midweek Quaker meeting.

At our Death Valley base camp the night before we headed into the desert we sat in a circle under the stars sharing final thoughts. As people spoke a wildly intense fear swarmed into my body and my hands began shaking uncontrollably. Until then I hadn’t had nervousness about heading into the desert alone and suddenly fear was 10 out of 10!

When I closed my eyes to check inside a familiar image emerged, an image I’ve shared in therapy time and again, my childhood self, on my childhood bed, fully saturated in fear of the dark. I’ve heard of the spiritual path taking a spiral form and we revisit the same issues on new levels as we go along. This time the dark was back, and so intensely I was shaking. I closed my eyes, connected with the little boy, and cried. The fear passed and a deep calm came in. Out in the desert the fear never returned.

Today, talking to my therapist about the rage, irritability, and depression, imagine my surprise when I closed my eyes and inside was the dark again! I’ve connected the fear to actual nighttime, but never to personality traits before. Behind the irritability was the darkest dark I’ve ever witnessed inside myself. Within me lives an inky blackness that’s scary as hell. And I sat with it, and again I cried, and again it passed. I feel so much lighter than hours ago.

The guides warned us that the desert won’t “fix” us. They said “the experience may make life harder and not easier because you can no longer deny aspects of yourself.” I didn’t believe them until now.

And Jesus was supposedly out there for 40 days, eh?