In my youth I learned from my surroundings that singing and dancing weren’t proper activities for men. It was imperative to lock away anything that could signal “Walter’s comfortable with femininity” lest anyone discover my gayhood. In the present my subconscious mind has a vault full of these suppressed treasures.

One night when I worked with ayahuasca the spirit of the medicine told me to “stand up and sing and dance for these people.” No greater blockage exists within me than singing and dancing for people. I told the spirit she was nuts—there was no chance for it to happen. Still she encouraged me and I kept denying her. The back and forth went on for half an hour. I didn’t budge.

At the tail end of the ceremony a woman sang a beautiful song which seemed just for me. She sang, “blessed we are who dance on this ground” and “remember your song.” Later when I searched the lyrics I discovered the original artist, Peia. I’ve followed Peia since and saw her perform in Oakland pre-pandemic.

Two weeks ago Instagram alerted me that Peia was coming to town and foolishly I failed to buy tickets before it sold out. Later I saw a second ad for Peia’s singing workshop to “help you discover your authentic voice.” I surprised myself by signing up rather effortlessly. After a week of freely walking into unknowns something must have loosened in me at Burning Man.

On Monday I went to the class. There were about 40 of us. It was lovely sitting close to Peia; still I struggled realizing I wouldn’t discover my “authentic voice” in one evening. I left feeling fairly depressed.

Yet on Thursday I returned for more singing. I attended a kirtan, a type of repetitious, meditative, Indian singing worship. For 90 minutes we clapped and sang out to Kali, Durga, Sita, and other goddesses. At times I lost myself in it and at other times I was self-conscious. I was living my best 1970 hippie life tho and that felt liberating.

It also brought up intense anxiety. Its intensity was just short of getting me to stop. Reflecting on it I’m choosing to see the anxiety not as being triggered by the singing, but as coming up thru the singing in order to pass away. The journey continues.