After a week of intense anxiety and panic attacks unlike anything I’ve experienced before I recently made three posts on Facebook about it. Here are all three posts:

3 September

I had my first and only full-on panic attack a year and a half ago. Since then I’ve learned to sense them coming on and I go into deep breathing and sensory exercises. I have my emotional support geranium that I rub in my hands and smell. Going outside and getting air and a breeze is really good. Taking a shower or washing my hands is also really nice.

Yesterday I had a doctor’s appointment to get anti-anxiety medicine for the first time. While waiting in the waiting room I was observing this cute well-behaved 3yo boy who was watching a video on a smart phone and smiling to himself quietly. As I watched him seemingly out of nowhere a super intense wave of fear came over me trapping me in a tunnel vision with serious feelings of panic. I went to my breath and it passed over and in 30 seconds I felt back to normal.

Later when I was home I was watching the incredible musical Sweet Charity for the first time. I noticed I was suddenly feeling fearful again. It wasn’t as intense. I did some breathing exercises, I visited my plant, I talked to a helpful housemate, I went outside for a walk, and it was pretty rough. I kept thinking “I need to keep doing things to keep myself from having a panic attack!” My anxiety was very high. After 2 hours it was over and I was back in my room feeling completely back to normal. In hindsight I can see that I was actually having a panic attack the whole time and it just looked different than the first one. I kept fearing that “one was coming” and I couldn’t tell that one was already present. It wasn’t nearly as intense as the first one where I was convinced I was dying of a heart attack. But yes, super super unpleasant.

Panic attacks are so irrational. I have a very rational mind and I feel powerless when a panic attack is present. The reptilian part of the brain takes over. When I was in the waiting room and the very intense fear came on it seemed to come out of nowhere, but in hindsight I can see the train of the thoughts that led to it. The thoughts in my mind went from “that little boy is so cute” -> “I used to be a little boy” -> “Now I’m 40 years old” -> “I’m going to die.” -> PANIC -> 100% REPTILE BRAIN HIJACKING

In my normal day to day life I don’t even fear death. I no longer believe death even exists. But when the reptile brain takes over the “I” is no longer in charge. What a wild ride. Hugs to everyone who knows from experience what I’m talking about.

5 September

After three days of rolling anxiety and anxiety attacks I’m actually feeling fairly grounded right now, if a little on edge. I’ve spent time with friends, used a new medication, and stayed at my old house two nights. Kind folks have stayed up with me for hours helping me stay calm. I’ve been working to replace the repetitious thoughts creating the anxiety with new thoughts. I’ve been repeating “I’m ok,” “The worst could be over,” “I’m growing from this,” “This experience will help me to help others.” I vastly cut down on caffeine and sugar and am eating even more fruits and vegetables. I’ve walked many miles in the last few days. And for tonight my favorite comfort food—mashed potatoes and gravy! I’ve been calling on my Gram to be with me. I love her. I’m trusting I made it through but there’s still some fear there.

10 September

I’ve been waiting to give an update on my anxiety because after the last two updates where I said I was feeling better I almost immediately dashed back into panic-land. This week I experienced a 5-day rolling panic attack unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. It was horrendously difficult and scary. I’m very happy to report that I haven’t had to take any of my new anxiety prescription in 36 hours. I still feel a little on edge but mostly feel back to normal.

Two of my major triggers have been being and feeling alone and when it becomes dark at nighttime. Two days ago I had two amazingly powerful deep cries that addressed both triggers.

First I was walking through the Mission during the day and suddenly cried so deeply in grieving for my grandmother Velma yet once more. It was deep and long and in public and felt so damn good. I really love and miss her so much. She passed when I was 11yo and I had no assistance in grieving at the time. I’ve cried and grieved for her several times over the last few years but this was the deepest yet. I know this was directly related to the trigger of feeling alone and unsupported.

A few hours later it was dark and my anxiety was going way up. A friend of mine wants to make sure I don’t become addicted to my medication and told me to call her before I take anymore of it. So I called and said that my anxiety was really high and told her that the darkness was triggering it. She simply asked, “What do you think that’s about?” and again I had a powerfully deep and healing cry. Again, just like with my Gram, the darkness too is something I’ve cried about before and again it just seemed to go deeper than the last time. I felt terrified of the dark as a child and I suppressed my memory of it—the crying helped me became more aware of just how deeply scared of it I was. I saw a memory of when I was young and alone in my dark bedroom and feeling terrified. I opened the door a crack to get some light into my room to help me feel safe. I was yelled at for getting out of bed, the door was slammed shut, and I was plunged back into the terrifying darkness. It was that terror that had been trapped in my body until that cry let it free.

Lastly, I had a lovely metaphorically-rich dream yesterday morning that left me feeling very peaceful. I can go months or years without remembering a dream and this epic story must have lasted an hour—truly extraordinary for my experience. I’ll refrain from telling the whole tale but in short:

I was in my grandparents’ house at night and came across a ghost in the attic. Terrified, I began running away. It chased after me and was directly behind me and grabbing at me. At once I just stopped running, and the ghost stopped running, and I turned around and looked at her. The ghost turned out to be small, young, and she giggled. She was harmless. I asked her if she was hungry and she said yes. I fixed her a large plate of Thanksgiving leftovers and we sat eating together. Then my family began waking up and coming into the diningroom. They asked, “Who is this?” At ease I responded, “This is a friend of mine. She was very hungry and she’ll be on her way soon.”