I’ve had a lot of pain in my upper chest and lungs this week. I’ve been breathing shallowly and sometimes feel like I’m not getting enough air. There’s been moments of light panic.

And I know these symptoms are connected to stress and anxiety. I know this because when I watch an hour of television I come out on the other side with no chest pain. And after reading an article about the virus the pain returns immediately.

Today I was working on this with my therapist. Before talking to him, I could intuit that the pain was a very tight ball of fear. When he asked me what the fear was about, I couldn’t get into it. It was too scary to look inside. With just a few more questions he helped me to unlock it. This old pain, which resurfaced because of the new virus, is the suffering, fear, panic, and loneliness I internalized as a teen, as I saw on the news gay men dying from AIDS.

I was so terribly out of touch with my body and emotions at that time. And that virus scared me terribly. All those unresolved emotions got tucked inside until this moment.

It’s grace that it comes up now. It comes up to pass away.

And my chest is back to being painful.
More lessons on their way.

I pray for strength and understanding. I pray that wisdom be born from this.