I wrote this four years ago and came across it today.

Enjoy!:

I stepped up my personal anti-anxiety campaign tonight and for the first time headed out to a dance club by myself. It took me a little while to even go inside. I wallflowered for quite some time, holding my Red Bull close to my gut, like the men of Vermont hold their beers; a sort of protective barrier between me and the other men mirroring my social anxiety back to me. Patiently, I observed the anxiety, trusting that its nature was impermanence. Over the course of thirty minutes, I watched it peak and retreat in waves. My mind conjured thoughts such as, “This is too uncomfortable. This is too weird. You should go home. What are you doing?” I watched the thoughts pass through, and paid them no mind.

Slowly, the anxiety retreated, and my feet carried me to the dance floor. There, new waves of anxiety and self-conscious awkwardness washed over as I settled into uncomfortable, sober, solitary dancing. Moving stiffly, and feeling the vibrations of the music across my body, I thought to try and incorporate vipassana meditation. Passing my attention through my body as I moved, I became aware of just how tightly I was holding the muscles around my tummy. So much defensiveness bundled up in my core. A few more times, passing my attention through the tummy area, it began to open and loosen. Stiffness softening. I began to feel my energy flowing more freely; I began to move more naturally with the music.

The awkwardness gave way to a certain level of comfort; not so much a pride in my certainly-could-be-improved dance moves, but a comfort in simply being me, and simply moving how my body moves. A couple hours passed by. Leaving the club, I passed the crowds waiting for cabs, and hopped on my bike and peddled home feeling confident.

I am reminded of my friend Walter’s recently penned poem; the middle lines read, “This pack is growing lighter, the journey never ending; what doesn’t serve me cannot stay for long.”

The next challenges: talking to strangers and flirting! I’m ready; not ready. I’m ready.