It is hard to summarize the transformation that took place this afternoon as I’ve never before experienced anything like it. In an attempt to manage and lessen my depression, I took a small amount of medicinal mushrooms and went out on a walk for a few hours. I set a very clear intention to release the stress and sadness that has been holding me down for the last few weeks. I ended up having epiphanies, one after another, and near constant crying and emotional release for the better part of two hours. I feel 20 pounds lighter. To a large extent, the depression simply broke up into pieces and passed away.

The stuff that came up was so varied and so deep. The bulk of it had to do with masculinity, perfectionism, and being gay.

Layers of childhood shame and guilt came up in waves and passed through me. A lot of very young childhood insecurities came up that quite surprised me—like being 4 or 5 and being very concerned that I was ugly and being as young as 5 and 6 and trying to “act straight.” I had no conscious awareness that any of that was going on at the time.

I had a realization that when I was 7, I had internalized all of the Christian teachings and did my best to follow them, not in order to win God’s good graces, but because I desired my teacher’s love. I was starved for affection and I wanted Sister Judy to love me so badly.

On Sundays when I was a young kid we’d go grocery shopping each week after church. I have long remembered having a crush on one of the baggers who worked there and I’d get excited to see him whenever we went to that store. Today I realized how much shame I had wrapped up in that excitement. Despite being about 6 years old, I’d already picked up that it was not culturally appropriate to feel this way about other boys and I buried that shame deep down.

I had some very unexpected realizations about being gay. Like how I have used “straight acting” gay men to feel “straight” (“good”) myself. This trick of the mind is so clear to me now, yet quite difficult to explain as it defies logic.

And there was more too, outside these themes.

Each of these unresolved emotions/stories felt like a bowling ball in my chest; heavy and fixed. As I accepted each one, the pain would release and I’d cry deeply. I’d feel lighter immediately. And like the bowling ball dispensers at the bowling alley, the next ball would pop into place and I’d repeat the process. I can feel the next contestant in my chest as I write this.

This morning a good friend sent me this message: “May your day reveal the trappings that you have outgrown and provide the grace to release them.” Yes indeed.