This past week I led three different groups of people on meditative walks. The first two groups were “well behaved,” but the last had a group of trouble-makers. The walk is meant to be slow and meditative and I meandered and took many corners. A group of six seemingly hurried people walked past me and it was very stressful for me. How could I guide my flock if they were ahead of me? I walked with so much agitation and annoyance. My mind was stuck in, “What is WRONG with these people!”

A couple hours later we were guided to fill out a worksheet on a stressful situation when we felt ashamed of ourselves. With no hesitation, a memory arrived of a day when I was walking on a super crowded sidewalk in China. I was so irritated and stressed out by the crowdedness and lack of breathing room. And at the peak of my stress a person in the crowd behind me grabbed my arm and without any thought I spun around in extreme rage. I raised my hands as if to strike! When I saw that it was an old lady–a now very frightened old lady– I felt so disgusted with myself. I’ve thought often of this moment since, and haven’t been able to forgive myself.  

As I worked through the worksheet I realized that two stressful beliefs gave rise to my reaction. The first was an uncomfortable and racist belief, “What is WRONG with these people!” (meaning the Chinese people and what I understood as “their” lack of personal space.) With that thought, I saw that my stressful morning walk stirred this memory up when it came time to write our worksheets. The second belief underlying my behavior was this idea that the woman had inappropriately disrespected my personal “bubble.”

I remembered being very young and in school. Our teacher was telling us that every person “had a bubble.” The bubble was about a foot outside of us and we were never ever to “pop” a person’s bubble without their permission. We were always to respect every person’s bubble. To pop a person’s bubble was wrong. 

And I realized that I had *literally* believed my teacher. And in the moment I believed her words, my subconscious mind created a bubble just outside of myself. And from that moment on I’d been living, very much literally, inside my own bubble.

And when the lady in China grabbed me, she burst my bubble at a moment of extreme stress. And I lost my mind and reacted in rage.

My partner and I were sitting outside in a gazebo when we worked this worksheet. The weather was so beautiful and the sky was bright blue with puffy white clouds. I had my eyes closed as she facilitated me through all of these memories. I was seeing the images in my mind very vividly. When I experienced the realization about the “bubble” memory, the concept of “my bubble” popped in my mind. And my bubble friend, who protected me all these years, dissolved. I had graduated my need for it; it’s job was done. 

And for the first time in 30 years I saw the world outside my bubble clearly. In the exact moment my bubble popped, I felt the breeze brush the hair on my arm. My defense system had been breached!

I don’t say this metaphorically– It seems I lived in a bubble for 30 years. When I opened my eyes my world shifted. Everything seemed larger, clearer, and more alive. I was so acutely aware of everything going on in the distance. The wind danced the branches of the trees across the park and it’s as if I saw that for the first time. The woman sitting before me was so beautiful and alive and present. Her smile was so warm. My body was so relaxed. My mind was so calm. I saw the world anew; a rebirth. 

Later that day I had a post-bubble realization regarding anger. I saw that my subconscious belief that I lived in a bubble allowed me to disregard people’s reactions to my anger. Since my mind saw that all my anger took place in *my* bubble, I saw that it was mine, and that no one had a right to criticize me for my anger or even react to it. In my mind, my anger was wholly within my territory. It’s almost as if I believed people couldn’t see it. And when my bubble popped, I could see so clearly that my anger had been in the larger world all along and impacting my friends and family. 

I see that clearly now. I want to apologize to all of you who I may have hurt with my anger. I can see that my anger has real world consequences and impacts people and impacts you. If you would like to remind me of a situation when I disrespected you, I welcome it. I am very open to listening and making it right. Please reach out to me.