It’s 2am. It’s time for a 30 minute break from the overnight bus. We stop at a nasty place. There’s a restaurant, a series of packaged foods, and a gross bathroom. It’s all very dirty. I’m kind of hungry but the prepared food all has meat in it and it’s been sitting out all day. The packaged foods are all desserts and sweets and very dusty. 

Despite her surroundings, or perhaps because of them, the woman who is working has a lot of pride. She stands with a stiff back and her head tilted up and she holds a strong face. I buy a cold drink for about 50¢ and her face cracks and she smiles. 

The soapless bathroom is a series of very dirty and smelly squat toilets. There’s a big deep hole in the middle of the floor. There are about 10 tiny urinals in a row, each about a foot apart. This spider waits above a middle one and measures 6″ across. I’m trying to pee in the first urinal, with one eye on this spider. I don’t know what it’s capable of. 

The smell of urine is so strong and so distracting. For whatever reason, one of Byron Katie’s sayings visits me. I hear, “Other than what you’re thinking and believing, aren’t you ok?” I just had about a hundred judgments in the last 3 minutes but I’m willing to check this out. As I continue to pee in the urinal, I close my eyes and try to experience this very moment without my thoughts and beliefs. 

My eyes are shut. There are a lot of thoughts to let go of. I wait. As the clouds part, I hear Vermont. I hadn’t even noticed the music before! It comes in from outside. Crickets and frogs and summertime night. And I can smell summer too! The smell is so strong it almost overpowers the smell of urine. It’s a cool, moist, nighttime air that’s very refreshing. It smells like fresh dew! There’s actually a very lovely breeze coming in to this room that I hadn’t felt before now. 

The nighttime air, the sounds of nature, the urine. It’s the Fourth of July, and I’m young, and I’m up so late! I’m at a party and it’s dark and I’m peeing in a portapotty. My parents are busy drinking with friends. I’ve been left to play with other kids the entire evening without having to worry about my parents, about anything. I’ve been eating potato chips and French onion dip and cake and drinking soda. I’ve been running around and catching frogs in the pond and waving sparklers in the air. I’ve been free! Completely free! An incredible feeling begins to well up at the bottom of my belly. It’s a deep deep sense of freedom and joy. Pure joy. Childhood joy. There’s a great sense of spaciousness opening in my body and lightness. If I opened my arms I might simply lift off of this floor and float up. 

The intense smell of urine, like a brick to my face, smacks me back down to earth. And I return to my regularly scheduled programming. I take a photo of my friend.